Dear Formula Company Marketing Department,

To Whom It May Concern,

Recently, I opened my mailbox to find a large box filled with formula from your company.  I am writing today to tell you why this was a waste of your money and time.  There are ten reasons why I believe you are dwindling your assets by sending me this box.  In reverse order, my reasons follow.

10.  The box was completely covered in your formula's name.  It left no doubt as to its contents.  This left me with a sly glance from my post office mail carrier, a wink, a toothy smile, and an inappropriate glance at my midsection as he pulled around the corner.

9.  The formula within the box was liquid.  It was heavy and awkward to carry.  Even if I rejoiced in receiving free formula, which I don't, I would have disliked this aspect.

8.  The fliers and coupons enclosed within the box were uninformative and skewed toward formula feeding, after, of course, the politically correct nod toward breast feeding.  Not only were the articles skewed, they were skewed toward your formula being the best.  I realize it is a marketing campaign, but let's not try to hide it under the guise of "informative articles to read."

7.  The enclosed coupons were not coupons at all, but coupons disguised as checks.  Is this to prevent transfer?  I could have easily given coupons away to friends who would gladly use them, but these coupons were specific to me.  Since I won't be using them, I recycled them.

6.  The heavy duty box had to be dismantled to be flattened for recycling (a requirement of our recycling company).  This required the use of sharp tools and super human strength.  The "informative articles" and coupons were much easier to recycle.

5.  The formula was hard to get rid of.  I suppose I could have dumped it down a drain, but that seemed wasteful as someone could use it.  Alternatives I considered were using it as a creamer for coffee and making it into homemade paste.  I decided against the creamer as I prefer my coffee black and making paste seemed to be too much work. 

4.  Currently, there are no children in our home drinking formula.

3.  I am NOT PREGNANT! 

2.  The cost of postage just went up, and will probably increase again soon.  Is it really cost effective?  And, if it is, that leads to the question, how much are you overpricing the formula on the shelf to pay for these marketing campaigns?  In the present day economy, when we are all scaling back on extras and spending less, why are you wasting your money sending me formula? 

1.  The whole thing is leaving a foul taste in my mouth, and I didn't even taste the formula!

As you can see, Marketing Executives of Formula Companies, I do not want your formula.  Please STOP sending me 'free' formula.  It is costing me too much!

Sincerely,

Dorie

P.S.  The multiple packets of coupons personalized discounts you later sent were much easier to recycle.  Though the prominent advertisement on the envelope did nothing to disuade my mail carrier's misconception.  Instead, his baby bump watch is still in full effect.

Also, the free advertisement space you received in the writing of this post is complimentary.

Have a nice day! 

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The Fine Print:  It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway.  Obviously, this is not a real letter.  I was just having fun on a Friday.  It is not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings, nor is it my intention to start any infant feeding choice discussion.  If any reader is offended by my sense of humor, or lack of, depending on your point of view, then I apologize.  Have a great weekend!